In memory of Baruch Yitzchak ben Yirmiyahu (Barry Pessin)

The Mishna in Avos says: Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place.

Zichron Yitzchak explains that one should not pass judgement on his friend's actions whether they are good or bad until he understands the exact circumstances of his friend. Since it is impossible to know the exact reasons and circumstances that his friend is under he therefore cannot pass judgement on his friend at all. He explains that the Mishna uses the term "friend" to point out that even if this person is very close to you and you think you know "everything" about them and their situation, nevertheless you should still not pass judgement. The reason is because in reality you don't know inside your fellow's heart, no matter how close you are.

This leads us to judge our friend favorably when we see his seemingly inappropriate actions. Rav Dessler ZT'L explains that the obligation to judge favorably means that we need to consider very unlikely scenarios which would therefore redefine the action that we saw. The reason that we are required to stretch our imagination is because we naturally are "uplifted by our friend's downfall" this may only be on a subconscious level but there is a part of us that relishes in the downfall of another. In order to combat this natural inclination and rectify this bad trait we therefore need to go to the opposite extreme which is why we need to imagine unlikely scenarios to re-interpret the seeming downfall of our fellow.

I heard from my father-in-law a story to illustrate this point:

There was a wealthy man who was searching for a suitable boy to marry his daughter. Her heard from the Dean of renowned Yeshiva about an exceptional boy who was bright, had stellar character traits and would be perfect for his daughter. The match was suggested, the two went out and eventually got engaged. The wealthy father was ecstatic and promised to take on the entire financial burden of the wedding and all accompanying expenses as well as supporting the young couple so his son in law could continue pursuing his studies. The father-in-law took care of everything for his future son-in-law. The Friday before the Shabbat Aufruf (which usually the boy's side pays for) the father-in-law was finishing taking care of all the preparations. He suddenly realized that he forgot to purchase candies and nuts for the festive meals for the Aufruf. He reasoned that the meals wouldn't be the same without so he rushed to the store as they were closing and went to purchase some candies. As he was about to pay he realized that he had forgotten his wallet at home and wouldn't be able to pay. He looked out the window of the store and saw his daughter and future son-in-law passing by. He explained to them the situation and asked if he could borrow from the son-in-law some money. The future son-in-law took out a bill handed it to his future father-in-law and then turned to his future wife and said to her "let's see how long it takes to get this back". The father-in-law overheard and was shocked by the comment. He bought the candies and then continued the preparations but his heart was heavy. He thought to himself how dare this boy speak like that. He cannot allow his daughter to marry such a boy, what happened to the sterling character that everyone mentioned? He attended the Aufruf reluctantly and sat through the meals in which friends of the boy stood up to sing the praises of the groom to be. The father-in-law was beside himself he had no idea what to do. He decided he would go speak to the Dean of the boy's Yeshiva and ask his advice. He told over the story to the Dean and the Dean said that something doesn't make sense, but the father-in-law has no choice and be must confront his future son-in-law. The father-in-law finally mustered up the courage and calm to pull the boy aside and confront him.

The boy responded with the following explanation:

Ever since I was young I always had a "hobby" that when I would receive a dollar bill I would mark my initials on it and wait to see how long it would take until that bill would circulate and come back to me. I was just explaining this "hobby" of mine to your daughter when you stepped out of the store to ask for some money. I then turned to her and said "let's see how long it takes to get this back".

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Chanukah,

Heath

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