The Mishna in Avos (5;16) says “any love which is dependent on something will not last, any love which is not dependent on something will last”.

R’Ovadia MiBartinura explains that when the Mishna says that “love dependent on something will not last” it means that if the love is dependent on something that is fleeting and physical then it won’t last. As soon as the reason for the love is annulled the love will be as well. If you love someone for their wealth, power or the way they look all of these things are fleeting and can eventually change. When they do the love will disappear as well. True love is not dependent on physical fleeting things but on a deep appreciation for the characteristics and actions of a person or object.  

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f you love a person for their kindness, humility, caring, sensitivity, wisdom these are all attributes which are everlasting (for the most part) within a person. If you read a book of a great scholar you can love that scholar for their wisdom and this is something that is relatively everlasting. You may have never met the scholar and they may have lived hundreds of years ago but one can still develop a true love for that person.

Many times we think we love someone but in truth we really only love ourselves. There is an old joke about someone who was eating fish and a Rabbi asked him “do you love fish?” The man responded “of course I love, fish don’t you see how I am eating it?” The rabbi retorted “you don’t love fish, if you loved fish you would never have killed this fish, cooked it and be eating it, what you really love, is yourself.”

One of my teachers once told me what is love? The Hebrew word for love has a numerical value of 13 which is the same numerical value as the Hebrew word “echad” which means one. True love is when you become one with the object/person you love. I asked him how do you know if you really are one with that person or not? He responded by saying “if their happiness is your happiness”. Everyone who is blessed with a child has a deep true love for that child which exists through thick and thin. Nobody ever thinks of divorcing their child, no matter what they do. It is also clear that any parent experiences great happiness when their child is happy. This model can be used to judge our love for our spouses, friends and G-d as well. Are we happy to see them happy?

Shabbat Shalom,

Heath

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